To Be the Last

 

You’ve probably heard people say “I want to be your last first kiss”.

But what if you were someone’s last first kiss and that kiss was also their last kiss? What if you were the person to share someone’s last meal, their last conversation? Is this starting to sound ominous with a touch of sadness?

Well I had what I now consider the double edged sword privilege of being just this person. It’s an event that I now class as the biggest single most pivotal moment in my life. Sure, the birth of my children were big moments, but their lives have stretched into years (which I know I’m fortunate to have as not everyone gets that). However in a short moment I had a very special person taken out of my life permanently.

I had started dating a lovely man. We clicked from very early on and in the space of a few weeks we enjoyed long daily phone calls and multiple texts every day and 3 dates. On our third date, which was approx. 6 and ½ hrs we morphed the afternoon into coffee and then dinner. He walked me back to my car that evening and we said good bye, already having made plans for a dinner date in a few days and then for a day trip on the upcoming weekend. He kissed me good bye as he leaned into my car. It was an awkward angle. But was pretty exciting. He told me he’d been wanting to do that for a long time and now he felt like a teenager. Ten minutes later he was killed instantly in a motorbike accident.

My journey in the past few months since that moment has been hard, however I am starting to feel much better and can look at it with clearer vision and gratitude. I am grateful to have met him. He truly was incredible. No doubt, had we continued our journey together we would have found out annoying habits about each other. I am grateful that he picked me on the dating app and went the extra step to pay for a special Like to alert me. I am grateful that we had such amazing conversations, including a 4 hr phone call till 1am, filled with laughter and covering so many subjects. I am grateful that we were so comfortable talking together, that we shared the same dry humor, that we loved similar food, that we had similar values in life, that we laughed often. I feel honored that after he’d experienced some bad past relationships and multiple dates trying to find the right person we’d now connected and we both knew it was right. I am grateful to have experienced his joy for life, which matched and inspired mine.

I also am thankful for what he got to experience. I feel grateful that he got to have some amazing family time. That was the reason on a couple of occasions why we decided not to go out together, because things had popped up with his family and due to the distance that usually separated them, he wanted to spend time with them. I was happy for that. Family is important and we knew we’d see each other on another day. He truly enjoyed his last meal. He was a qualified chef and said he really liked it because it tasted better than how he would have cooked it. I’m grateful for what that 4 hr phone call meant to him. He said that he’d never had a call that long and had never previously wanted to speak to someone for that long on the phone.

Of course my heart breaks for his family- for his parents, his young adult children and all the missed opportunities for everyone.

As my head clears and I move forward and look forward, I know that I will never forget him till my last breath. My joy for life is starting to return. I am excited for the future. Seeing a life cut short has inspired me to do some things that I’d put on the back burner and make the extra effort instead of telling myself I’ll get around to it.

I had a lovely uncle who would often say that there is no such thing as a soul mate, because you will meet several people in your life whom you can be very happy with. I believe my uncle was correct and this wonderful man was one of a few special men I have met in my life. Sadly our story ended too soon, but there will be more.

He was a gift to me for a short blink in my life and I am absolutely grateful to have had the honor of being his last.

The Dating Game

 

Meeting you IRL

If I’m sitting with you In Real Life over a coffee or a drink it means you’ve ticked some of my boxes and I’m interested in finding out more about you to see if a relationship might develop. If I wasn’t interested in meeting you, I would have given you one of my polite kiss off lines.

 

No. 1 Mistake on dates

This is entirely my opinion, but the biggest issue I have when meeting a man is their motor mouth. I find it so frustrating when I first talk with a man on the phone or we meet IRL and they talk all about themselves. I’ve been on numerous dates that by the end I can recite an extensive history about the man and his family and yet he knows virtually nothing about me. I enjoy the easy life and if I have to battle you to tell my story, sorry but that’s too much work for me.

At this stage men need to refer back to why I’m with them (as stated above)

You might be nervous and that’s why your motor mouth is firing. Ok, relax because you’ve made big progress already (again refer to IRL above). Perhaps it’s your first time back in the dating pool. Perhaps you’ve had some bad previous experiences. Put all that aside and just let the conversation flow organically. Try not to come to a date with preconceived ideas of topics. If it’s the right connection the conversation will flow naturally.

Perhaps you are worried that if you ask questions about the woman, that may seem intrusive. That the woman should volunteer the info. Well, guess what? Most women won’t. You’re going to have to work a bit for it, so that we know you’re genuinely interested. It’s all part of the courting process and most women like to be wooed. If you ask me something that I’m not comfortable talking about, I’ll let you know.

My biggest tip to men, is ask women questions about themselves. And keep asking. If the connection is right the woman will be asking you just as many questions back. It must be a 2 way conversation and at the end you should walk away both knowing the same amount of info about each other. A date is a bit like a job interview. We’re checking out each other to see if it might work.

If you want to be in my life, you need to be interested in my life.

Listen to what a woman tells you. Don’t start thinking about the next thing you want to say before she’s finished. Listen for openings or lead ins to ask more questions. If she mentions she has a dog, don’t start a dog story of your own, ask what kind of dog it is, how old is it and a few questions along those lines, then if the conversation feels right tell you dog story, or move on if the conversation has already gone in a different direction.

 

It’s all about Moi

One of my favourite lines from Kath and Kim. But seriously, it’s not all about me when I’m on a date. It’s about both of us and how we interact and whether it might have legs for the future. However I do know what I bring to the table. I’m not going to reveal all my cards from the start. You’ll need to get to know me to find out more. I’m no shrinking violet. I’m at an age where I feel confident and content with myself. I have a lot of positive attributes that I will bring into a relationship. There’s also a little bit of baggage, but not much and my positives far out weigh the negatives. I’m not dating because I’m desperate or scared of being single. I genuinely would like to find someone to spend time with because I have room in my life for the right person.

My approach to dating

I love dating apps. I describe them as similar to a box of chocolates with lots of choices where you get to read the description of each different chocolate and decide what you’d like to sample. I get excited about meeting a new person for a date. I’m not the type to get nervous- unless you’re a Jeffrey Dean Morgan look a like and then I would probably be shaking like a bowl of jelly. As a part of my job I meet new people constantly. My friends and clients tell me I’m very easy to speak with and am good at making people feel comfortable and relaxed. In my line of work, my potential clients must feel comfortable with me before they engage me. If I’m designing their home, I’ll likely be asking some personal questions about how they live. I put people at ease for a living and therefore am confident I can do the same with you.

Hitting the Wall

My litmus test is 2 dates and at least a phone call. I like phone calls because I want to know how well you speak on the phone and is the conversation like IRL. Some people get very nervous on phone calls, yet can be ok in person.

If after this time, which may be 4-6 hours in total you are still yabbering on about yourself with clearly no interest in me, then it’s time to call it quits and I will got and find a brick wall to beat my head on.

I think the same should apply to a man if the woman is not opening up and forth coming after you asking them lots of questions. Good Luck.