Ticking your boxes

 

I was having a coffee with a dear friend of 30 years. He’s 83 and we often say that we’ve been through the Births, Deaths and Marriages together. Him and his wife were there for my wedding, met my 3 children shortly after they were born, supported me through my divorce and then I sadly said good bye to his wife as she succumbed to cancer and over the years we have cried together about that and other things. I describe him as my Balm. He is a voice of reason with much life experience but also a person who likes to listen and is open to the opinions of others.

He's been lonely in the several years since his wife’s death. He’s had a long term relationship and a couple of short ones. He has Joie de vivre and looks forward to what he still wants to achieve in his life. He’d like a partner for companionship.

We’re both in the same boat & looking for someone special to welcome into our lives and I tell him stories about my dating adventures. He told me that he wanted someone who liked going to the movies, enjoyed cooking so that he could cook for them and vice versa and enjoyed travel. I told him that most women and people would easily tick all of those boxes and he probably needed to get a bit more specific. That stumped him as he hadn’t thought any further than those points. He asked what was on my list of boxes to tick.

I told him there were the boxes that I was happy to openly discuss and are listed on my profile, then there were the ones that I check off as I get to know someone.

The obvious ones are a part of the questions on each dating app, starting with smoker (non smoker for me) drugs (no, don’t want that either) height comes up as general info on the app. This is where I get selective. My future partner must be 6 foot or above. I stand 5’10 in heels and I like to wear them often. So if they don’t make the height, I don’t read further. After that it’s the boxes that aren’t always shown on the profile. I want someone with whom I can have a good conversation. Usually that necessitates a conversation to assess. Education or job may be a bit of an indicator of intelligence, but not always.

I want a partner with a good sense of humour (don’t we all?) and witty repertoire. I test this out during my conversation on the date. I’ve been told I have a dry sense of humour and will add some lines into the discussion to see what the reaction (if any) is. I need someone on the same page as me who can give back just as well.

Another thing that’s important to me is how the man gets on with their ex. Some of my friends have found this strange that I would ask about this. I casually work it into the conversation on a date. I know my ex refers to me as a psycho and if a date said the same about his ex, that would be a massive red flag. By my age everyone has some kind of baggage and if you haven’t gotten over it or worked out how to manage that, I’m not interested.

Another important factor is what the potential partner brings to the table in terms of monetary wealth/ assets. This is something I’ve often discussed with my friend. He has a significant asset pool and he needs to be careful not to attract a gold digger. I think he needs a woman who comes with a reasonable asset base herself. I believe it’s important for every potential partnership to carefully consider this.

I mention in my profile that a social conscious is important to me. I volunteer with a couple of community organizations. I was brought up this way, I think it’s important by my age to be giving back and I really enjoy it. As I get older it’s an area that I would like to develop further and I would love someone with similar values to join me on that journey or that I can collaborate with in their charities.

As I talked though all this with my friend, it started him thinking and he began to make his own list of boxes.

There’s more boxes on my list. I’m prepared to be flexible with some, but others are non negotiables. I know I’m not unreasonable with my wants and expectations. I have met men throughout my life who have had all the attributes that I value. In fact it’s the experience of meeting all types of people that have helped define what I want.