A funny thing happened...

 

This weekend I had a date with a man whom was the 3^rd different man in about 7 weeks. So it’s not exactly like I’m a serial dater and out every week.

We met for afternoon drinks. I’d approached the date with apprehension. I wasn’t nervous, but I’d had a phone call with him earlier in the week where he spent the whole half hour talking about himself and asked me only a couple of quick questions about myself. I was expecting the physical date would probably end up going the same way.

During that phone call he’d innocently mentioned a couple of things which added some confusion for me, in that they made me wonder if these were subtle messages from the universe and whether I needed to follow them or ignore them.

I’d resolved that if he continued his motor mouth rhetoric about himself at our date, I would politely explain to him that he wasn’t helping himself by not showing interest in the woman he was with etc etc. I had a bit of a spiel ready, but was just going to play it by ear and see how the conversation evolved.

Prior to the drinks, I’d asked my male friends what made men have motor mouth on dates? I got a few different answers;

-        - That men get really nervous and it takes over normal thought and actions.

-        - That the man must have a self esteem problem, because if he was truly interested in the woman his focus would be on her because that’s his end goal.

-        - They are enjoying being able to speak about themselves in a way they don’t usually with other male friends, because women are nurturing listeners.

When I met the man in person it quickly became clear in my mind that there would be no future for us. He was quite old for his age, in everything from dress style to opinion of life and as I sat there listening to him I realized there was no physical attraction on my part. I could not imagine myself ever kissing him.

However one thing that stood out was his nerves. His hands were shaking like crazy and a light sweat happening. I realized then which category he fell into. At that stage I took pity and decided not give him my “talk”. After a while I think the alcohol calmed him and he did ask some questions about me, but by then I think we’d both worked out there was no future for us. We called it quits after 1 & ¾ hrs (2 drinks each) and at parting I said to him that it was clear we’d both realized we were looking for different things. It was all very polite and civilized and while we walked to our cars I wished him well with his upcoming travels and work.

He then texted me later that afternoon and very sweetly thanked me for meeting him. He said that whilst we both agree we’re looking for different things, he would never forget our date as it was his first since becoming single a few years earlier. He knew he had a journey ahead of him and he was happy to have had his first step with a nice person. He also admitted that he was very nervous and wished me well.

That got me back to thinking about how the universe works. I’m not talking about the fact that the sun rises in the morning etc, but those weird co-incidences that hit you sometimes and you wonder was it a message or how the timing of things blows you away. It’s about learning to pay attention to signs that the universe sends to you.

I wondered if the universe has put us together with a two fold purpose. I was a person who would be gentle to him as he eased back into the dating scene, and for me after having met a special person in the past who tragically was taken from me, my journey to find another good man was reaffirmed at this date, that I will know when I’ve met that person as it just feels so right and different to how I felt sitting here on the weekend.

 

The Dating Game

 

Meeting you IRL

If I’m sitting with you In Real Life over a coffee or a drink it means you’ve ticked some of my boxes and I’m interested in finding out more about you to see if a relationship might develop. If I wasn’t interested in meeting you, I would have given you one of my polite kiss off lines.

 

No. 1 Mistake on dates

This is entirely my opinion, but the biggest issue I have when meeting a man is their motor mouth. I find it so frustrating when I first talk with a man on the phone or we meet IRL and they talk all about themselves. I’ve been on numerous dates that by the end I can recite an extensive history about the man and his family and yet he knows virtually nothing about me. I enjoy the easy life and if I have to battle you to tell my story, sorry but that’s too much work for me.

At this stage men need to refer back to why I’m with them (as stated above)

You might be nervous and that’s why your motor mouth is firing. Ok, relax because you’ve made big progress already (again refer to IRL above). Perhaps it’s your first time back in the dating pool. Perhaps you’ve had some bad previous experiences. Put all that aside and just let the conversation flow organically. Try not to come to a date with preconceived ideas of topics. If it’s the right connection the conversation will flow naturally.

Perhaps you are worried that if you ask questions about the woman, that may seem intrusive. That the woman should volunteer the info. Well, guess what? Most women won’t. You’re going to have to work a bit for it, so that we know you’re genuinely interested. It’s all part of the courting process and most women like to be wooed. If you ask me something that I’m not comfortable talking about, I’ll let you know.

My biggest tip to men, is ask women questions about themselves. And keep asking. If the connection is right the woman will be asking you just as many questions back. It must be a 2 way conversation and at the end you should walk away both knowing the same amount of info about each other. A date is a bit like a job interview. We’re checking out each other to see if it might work.

If you want to be in my life, you need to be interested in my life.

Listen to what a woman tells you. Don’t start thinking about the next thing you want to say before she’s finished. Listen for openings or lead ins to ask more questions. If she mentions she has a dog, don’t start a dog story of your own, ask what kind of dog it is, how old is it and a few questions along those lines, then if the conversation feels right tell you dog story, or move on if the conversation has already gone in a different direction.

 

It’s all about Moi

One of my favourite lines from Kath and Kim. But seriously, it’s not all about me when I’m on a date. It’s about both of us and how we interact and whether it might have legs for the future. However I do know what I bring to the table. I’m not going to reveal all my cards from the start. You’ll need to get to know me to find out more. I’m no shrinking violet. I’m at an age where I feel confident and content with myself. I have a lot of positive attributes that I will bring into a relationship. There’s also a little bit of baggage, but not much and my positives far out weigh the negatives. I’m not dating because I’m desperate or scared of being single. I genuinely would like to find someone to spend time with because I have room in my life for the right person.

My approach to dating

I love dating apps. I describe them as similar to a box of chocolates with lots of choices where you get to read the description of each different chocolate and decide what you’d like to sample. I get excited about meeting a new person for a date. I’m not the type to get nervous- unless you’re a Jeffrey Dean Morgan look a like and then I would probably be shaking like a bowl of jelly. As a part of my job I meet new people constantly. My friends and clients tell me I’m very easy to speak with and am good at making people feel comfortable and relaxed. In my line of work, my potential clients must feel comfortable with me before they engage me. If I’m designing their home, I’ll likely be asking some personal questions about how they live. I put people at ease for a living and therefore am confident I can do the same with you.

Hitting the Wall

My litmus test is 2 dates and at least a phone call. I like phone calls because I want to know how well you speak on the phone and is the conversation like IRL. Some people get very nervous on phone calls, yet can be ok in person.

If after this time, which may be 4-6 hours in total you are still yabbering on about yourself with clearly no interest in me, then it’s time to call it quits and I will got and find a brick wall to beat my head on.

I think the same should apply to a man if the woman is not opening up and forth coming after you asking them lots of questions. Good Luck.