To Be the Last

 

You’ve probably heard people say “I want to be your last first kiss”.

But what if you were someone’s last first kiss and that kiss was also their last kiss? What if you were the person to share someone’s last meal, their last conversation? Is this starting to sound ominous with a touch of sadness?

Well I had what I now consider the double edged sword privilege of being just this person. It’s an event that I now class as the biggest single most pivotal moment in my life. Sure, the birth of my children were big moments, but their lives have stretched into years (which I know I’m fortunate to have as not everyone gets that). However in a short moment I had a very special person taken out of my life permanently.

I had started dating a lovely man. We clicked from very early on and in the space of a few weeks we enjoyed long daily phone calls and multiple texts every day and 3 dates. On our third date, which was approx. 6 and ½ hrs we morphed the afternoon into coffee and then dinner. He walked me back to my car that evening and we said good bye, already having made plans for a dinner date in a few days and then for a day trip on the upcoming weekend. He kissed me good bye as he leaned into my car. It was an awkward angle. But was pretty exciting. He told me he’d been wanting to do that for a long time and now he felt like a teenager. Ten minutes later he was killed instantly in a motorbike accident.

My journey in the past few months since that moment has been hard, however I am starting to feel much better and can look at it with clearer vision and gratitude. I am grateful to have met him. He truly was incredible. No doubt, had we continued our journey together we would have found out annoying habits about each other. I am grateful that he picked me on the dating app and went the extra step to pay for a special Like to alert me. I am grateful that we had such amazing conversations, including a 4 hr phone call till 1am, filled with laughter and covering so many subjects. I am grateful that we were so comfortable talking together, that we shared the same dry humor, that we loved similar food, that we had similar values in life, that we laughed often. I feel honored that after he’d experienced some bad past relationships and multiple dates trying to find the right person we’d now connected and we both knew it was right. I am grateful to have experienced his joy for life, which matched and inspired mine.

I also am thankful for what he got to experience. I feel grateful that he got to have some amazing family time. That was the reason on a couple of occasions why we decided not to go out together, because things had popped up with his family and due to the distance that usually separated them, he wanted to spend time with them. I was happy for that. Family is important and we knew we’d see each other on another day. He truly enjoyed his last meal. He was a qualified chef and said he really liked it because it tasted better than how he would have cooked it. I’m grateful for what that 4 hr phone call meant to him. He said that he’d never had a call that long and had never previously wanted to speak to someone for that long on the phone.

Of course my heart breaks for his family- for his parents, his young adult children and all the missed opportunities for everyone.

As my head clears and I move forward and look forward, I know that I will never forget him till my last breath. My joy for life is starting to return. I am excited for the future. Seeing a life cut short has inspired me to do some things that I’d put on the back burner and make the extra effort instead of telling myself I’ll get around to it.

I had a lovely uncle who would often say that there is no such thing as a soul mate, because you will meet several people in your life whom you can be very happy with. I believe my uncle was correct and this wonderful man was one of a few special men I have met in my life. Sadly our story ended too soon, but there will be more.

He was a gift to me for a short blink in my life and I am absolutely grateful to have had the honor of being his last.

Ticking your boxes

 

I was having a coffee with a dear friend of 30 years. He’s 83 and we often say that we’ve been through the Births, Deaths and Marriages together. Him and his wife were there for my wedding, met my 3 children shortly after they were born, supported me through my divorce and then I sadly said good bye to his wife as she succumbed to cancer and over the years we have cried together about that and other things. I describe him as my Balm. He is a voice of reason with much life experience but also a person who likes to listen and is open to the opinions of others.

He's been lonely in the several years since his wife’s death. He’s had a long term relationship and a couple of short ones. He has Joie de vivre and looks forward to what he still wants to achieve in his life. He’d like a partner for companionship.

We’re both in the same boat & looking for someone special to welcome into our lives and I tell him stories about my dating adventures. He told me that he wanted someone who liked going to the movies, enjoyed cooking so that he could cook for them and vice versa and enjoyed travel. I told him that most women and people would easily tick all of those boxes and he probably needed to get a bit more specific. That stumped him as he hadn’t thought any further than those points. He asked what was on my list of boxes to tick.

I told him there were the boxes that I was happy to openly discuss and are listed on my profile, then there were the ones that I check off as I get to know someone.

The obvious ones are a part of the questions on each dating app, starting with smoker (non smoker for me) drugs (no, don’t want that either) height comes up as general info on the app. This is where I get selective. My future partner must be 6 foot or above. I stand 5’10 in heels and I like to wear them often. So if they don’t make the height, I don’t read further. After that it’s the boxes that aren’t always shown on the profile. I want someone with whom I can have a good conversation. Usually that necessitates a conversation to assess. Education or job may be a bit of an indicator of intelligence, but not always.

I want a partner with a good sense of humour (don’t we all?) and witty repertoire. I test this out during my conversation on the date. I’ve been told I have a dry sense of humour and will add some lines into the discussion to see what the reaction (if any) is. I need someone on the same page as me who can give back just as well.

Another thing that’s important to me is how the man gets on with their ex. Some of my friends have found this strange that I would ask about this. I casually work it into the conversation on a date. I know my ex refers to me as a psycho and if a date said the same about his ex, that would be a massive red flag. By my age everyone has some kind of baggage and if you haven’t gotten over it or worked out how to manage that, I’m not interested.

Another important factor is what the potential partner brings to the table in terms of monetary wealth/ assets. This is something I’ve often discussed with my friend. He has a significant asset pool and he needs to be careful not to attract a gold digger. I think he needs a woman who comes with a reasonable asset base herself. I believe it’s important for every potential partnership to carefully consider this.

I mention in my profile that a social conscious is important to me. I volunteer with a couple of community organizations. I was brought up this way, I think it’s important by my age to be giving back and I really enjoy it. As I get older it’s an area that I would like to develop further and I would love someone with similar values to join me on that journey or that I can collaborate with in their charities.

As I talked though all this with my friend, it started him thinking and he began to make his own list of boxes.

There’s more boxes on my list. I’m prepared to be flexible with some, but others are non negotiables. I know I’m not unreasonable with my wants and expectations. I have met men throughout my life who have had all the attributes that I value. In fact it’s the experience of meeting all types of people that have helped define what I want.

A funny thing happened...

 

This weekend I had a date with a man whom was the 3^rd different man in about 7 weeks. So it’s not exactly like I’m a serial dater and out every week.

We met for afternoon drinks. I’d approached the date with apprehension. I wasn’t nervous, but I’d had a phone call with him earlier in the week where he spent the whole half hour talking about himself and asked me only a couple of quick questions about myself. I was expecting the physical date would probably end up going the same way.

During that phone call he’d innocently mentioned a couple of things which added some confusion for me, in that they made me wonder if these were subtle messages from the universe and whether I needed to follow them or ignore them.

I’d resolved that if he continued his motor mouth rhetoric about himself at our date, I would politely explain to him that he wasn’t helping himself by not showing interest in the woman he was with etc etc. I had a bit of a spiel ready, but was just going to play it by ear and see how the conversation evolved.

Prior to the drinks, I’d asked my male friends what made men have motor mouth on dates? I got a few different answers;

-        - That men get really nervous and it takes over normal thought and actions.

-        - That the man must have a self esteem problem, because if he was truly interested in the woman his focus would be on her because that’s his end goal.

-        - They are enjoying being able to speak about themselves in a way they don’t usually with other male friends, because women are nurturing listeners.

When I met the man in person it quickly became clear in my mind that there would be no future for us. He was quite old for his age, in everything from dress style to opinion of life and as I sat there listening to him I realized there was no physical attraction on my part. I could not imagine myself ever kissing him.

However one thing that stood out was his nerves. His hands were shaking like crazy and a light sweat happening. I realized then which category he fell into. At that stage I took pity and decided not give him my “talk”. After a while I think the alcohol calmed him and he did ask some questions about me, but by then I think we’d both worked out there was no future for us. We called it quits after 1 & ¾ hrs (2 drinks each) and at parting I said to him that it was clear we’d both realized we were looking for different things. It was all very polite and civilized and while we walked to our cars I wished him well with his upcoming travels and work.

He then texted me later that afternoon and very sweetly thanked me for meeting him. He said that whilst we both agree we’re looking for different things, he would never forget our date as it was his first since becoming single a few years earlier. He knew he had a journey ahead of him and he was happy to have had his first step with a nice person. He also admitted that he was very nervous and wished me well.

That got me back to thinking about how the universe works. I’m not talking about the fact that the sun rises in the morning etc, but those weird co-incidences that hit you sometimes and you wonder was it a message or how the timing of things blows you away. It’s about learning to pay attention to signs that the universe sends to you.

I wondered if the universe has put us together with a two fold purpose. I was a person who would be gentle to him as he eased back into the dating scene, and for me after having met a special person in the past who tragically was taken from me, my journey to find another good man was reaffirmed at this date, that I will know when I’ve met that person as it just feels so right and different to how I felt sitting here on the weekend.

 

The Dating Game

 

Meeting you IRL

If I’m sitting with you In Real Life over a coffee or a drink it means you’ve ticked some of my boxes and I’m interested in finding out more about you to see if a relationship might develop. If I wasn’t interested in meeting you, I would have given you one of my polite kiss off lines.

 

No. 1 Mistake on dates

This is entirely my opinion, but the biggest issue I have when meeting a man is their motor mouth. I find it so frustrating when I first talk with a man on the phone or we meet IRL and they talk all about themselves. I’ve been on numerous dates that by the end I can recite an extensive history about the man and his family and yet he knows virtually nothing about me. I enjoy the easy life and if I have to battle you to tell my story, sorry but that’s too much work for me.

At this stage men need to refer back to why I’m with them (as stated above)

You might be nervous and that’s why your motor mouth is firing. Ok, relax because you’ve made big progress already (again refer to IRL above). Perhaps it’s your first time back in the dating pool. Perhaps you’ve had some bad previous experiences. Put all that aside and just let the conversation flow organically. Try not to come to a date with preconceived ideas of topics. If it’s the right connection the conversation will flow naturally.

Perhaps you are worried that if you ask questions about the woman, that may seem intrusive. That the woman should volunteer the info. Well, guess what? Most women won’t. You’re going to have to work a bit for it, so that we know you’re genuinely interested. It’s all part of the courting process and most women like to be wooed. If you ask me something that I’m not comfortable talking about, I’ll let you know.

My biggest tip to men, is ask women questions about themselves. And keep asking. If the connection is right the woman will be asking you just as many questions back. It must be a 2 way conversation and at the end you should walk away both knowing the same amount of info about each other. A date is a bit like a job interview. We’re checking out each other to see if it might work.

If you want to be in my life, you need to be interested in my life.

Listen to what a woman tells you. Don’t start thinking about the next thing you want to say before she’s finished. Listen for openings or lead ins to ask more questions. If she mentions she has a dog, don’t start a dog story of your own, ask what kind of dog it is, how old is it and a few questions along those lines, then if the conversation feels right tell you dog story, or move on if the conversation has already gone in a different direction.

 

It’s all about Moi

One of my favourite lines from Kath and Kim. But seriously, it’s not all about me when I’m on a date. It’s about both of us and how we interact and whether it might have legs for the future. However I do know what I bring to the table. I’m not going to reveal all my cards from the start. You’ll need to get to know me to find out more. I’m no shrinking violet. I’m at an age where I feel confident and content with myself. I have a lot of positive attributes that I will bring into a relationship. There’s also a little bit of baggage, but not much and my positives far out weigh the negatives. I’m not dating because I’m desperate or scared of being single. I genuinely would like to find someone to spend time with because I have room in my life for the right person.

My approach to dating

I love dating apps. I describe them as similar to a box of chocolates with lots of choices where you get to read the description of each different chocolate and decide what you’d like to sample. I get excited about meeting a new person for a date. I’m not the type to get nervous- unless you’re a Jeffrey Dean Morgan look a like and then I would probably be shaking like a bowl of jelly. As a part of my job I meet new people constantly. My friends and clients tell me I’m very easy to speak with and am good at making people feel comfortable and relaxed. In my line of work, my potential clients must feel comfortable with me before they engage me. If I’m designing their home, I’ll likely be asking some personal questions about how they live. I put people at ease for a living and therefore am confident I can do the same with you.

Hitting the Wall

My litmus test is 2 dates and at least a phone call. I like phone calls because I want to know how well you speak on the phone and is the conversation like IRL. Some people get very nervous on phone calls, yet can be ok in person.

If after this time, which may be 4-6 hours in total you are still yabbering on about yourself with clearly no interest in me, then it’s time to call it quits and I will got and find a brick wall to beat my head on.

I think the same should apply to a man if the woman is not opening up and forth coming after you asking them lots of questions. Good Luck.